Young Americans and other ignoramuses seem to be moving to the political Left. A new poll shows that 62% of Americans aged 18 to 29 now hold a favorable view of socialism — and the percentage is even higher among 18- to 29-year-olds who wear rings in their noses because they couldn’t locate their ears.
In on-the-street interviews with young people or just people with enough tattoos to qualify as glitches in the evolutionary progress of humankind, the subjects interviewed gave various reasons for their leftward shift.
For instance, one young man named Sketchy Boardslide told a reporter, “I believe in socialism because if you ran a metal wire into my left ear, it would come out my right ear without touching anything in-between. As a result, I’m so shallow that my shallowness goes down very deep, a sentence that doesn’t even make any sense, which should give you some idea of just how incredibly stupid I am. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to guide my battery-powered skateboard to a voting booth in order to help elect someone who will destroy every vestige of what good men hold dear, whatever a vestige is. Bye, Felicia.”
A woman we interviewed who is either between 18 and 29 years old or just so ignorant it’s hard to tell the difference, told our reporter, “When I look at all the inequality and suffering in the world, I care so much it really makes me feel good about what a warm-hearted person I am. Believing in socialism is a way for me to express the precious tenderness of my heart without actually having to do anything for anybody, because that would take time away from making videos about opening boxes of cosmetics while pouting with surgically modified lips so big they look like a cross between a gravy boat and some unidentifiable kind of roadkill. If I vote socialist, everyone will admire my compassionate nature until the country collapses in a catastrophe of poverty and oppression and is overrun by barbarians so that I become part of some savage’s harem, which has been a big fantasy of mine ever since I read a novel in which all the men had bat wings and did rough sex with women who were beautiful, fragile fairies but really strong in some kind of magical way.”
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Pollsters have found that the move toward socialism among young people and other dunderheads has opened up a gender gap between women, who make good money and are completely miserable, and men who scratch their armpits in public and are working on developing an organizational chart of the Marvel Comics Universe. Some psychologists say the divide may be caused by sex differences that have been socially constructed in every society that has ever existed and ever will until the end of time.
For instance, studies show that young women experience higher levels of anxiety and stronger feelings of vulnerability, while young men are far more likely to chase women down the street, shouting, “Hey, baby, give me some of that hot stuff, the way they do it in porn,” diverse sex traits that some scientists believe may be mysteriously connected.
One gender scientist, Dr. Bartholomew Creepy, says these sex differences, which are not at all innate but simply socially constructed everywhere always and forever, may give clues to why young women are increasingly socialist, while young men believe Spiderman is actually a real person but you never see him because we don’t live in his section of the multiverse. In a speech to a convention of middle-aged men who subscribe to Teen Vogue for some reason, Dr. Creepy said, “Young women have been shown to exhibit higher levels of agreeableness and tender-heartedness which are conducive to socialism when combined with their almost total inability to reason. I hope to deliver deeper insights into this phenomenon in my latest study of young women with its focus on their uncannily smooth and shapely legs.”
Older people, conservatives and anyone else with a lick of sense are hoping to avoid the consequences of the leftward trend among the young by praying for death to mercifully carry them away before the next election.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.